Throughout our lives some friends stay, and some friends go. And quality vs. quantity in choosing our friends carefully is critical to our emotional bank in every season of our life.
And honestly, this is how life is supposed to be. We should always choose our friends carefully, and to keep in mind, not everyone has earned the right to get to know us on a personal level. The investment must be made.
If we are lucky, over our lifetime we will form many circles of friends, which leads to an enriched quality of life.
For me, I have always had a very small circle of friends, and I have continued this pattern throughout.
I am sure there are childhood friends you haven’t spoken to in years. And there is a reason for this, you outgrew the friendship, and people move away. There is nothing wrong with this, life happens and life changes. Our interests change, and we have a better idea of what we want to stay in our lives as we age.
My suggestion is taking inventory of how many friends you had in school, and how many friends you have now? Stay on this thought for a minute. Take inventory of your friendship trust fund? Is it full of quality bonds? If not, examine why.
Importance of Choosing Friends Carefully
This is simple, we want people in our lives giving us meaningful and purposeful relationships. We want support, and we want them to have a substrative character with value for their own lives and to want to make a difference in others. People who show up, commit, and invest in us. Period.
Friends uplift us, we want friends who will tell us the raw truth when we need to hear it, support us, tell us we have toilet paper on our shoe, broccoli in our teeth, disagree with us to the point of agreement or a truce.
Most importantly, someone we can trust and be honest with in those deep conversations of anguish, clarity, and happiness. And I happen to believe one other single point… someone who knows us better than we know ourselves, that person who will challenge us for our own good and growth.
Do you have these types of friends? If you do, this is wonderful, and if not, do you need to start pruning the garden of friendship?
Psychologist, Cristina Roda Rivera says by age 30 we should be looking for quality vs. the quantity of friends we had when we were younger. Are you still taking inventory?
Cutting out the Toxicity
You decide who stays, who goes, and who has potential for change. In fact, as you take inventory of your friendship trust fund, look at the types of bonds you want to have? Let’s list a few:
- Kind and respectful
- Non-judgmental (but alerts you if your decisions are harmful)
- Supportive
- TRUSTWORTHY
- Loyalty
- Gives you HONEST feedback
- You enjoy their company
- Not manipulative
- Good listener
- Empathic and compassionate
- Makes you laugh
- Someone who challenges you to better today than you were yesterday
These are the types of bonds you want to have in your friendship trust fund. I am sure you can make your own list as well. Remember a couple of things while taking inventory.
First, a friendships longevity doesn’t continue sometimes to be a great partnership for us, recognize sometimes the value fades over time, and as we age our needs change. In fact, that friendship needs to continue to grow in order for us to measure its value. Just like a flower, if you don’t water it, the flower dies.
While all people are valuable assets, some don’t continue to polish up their friendship skills with us. In turn, we much continue to evaluate their value in our lives.
Second, actually what you are doing is cutting out behaviors and people who no longer serve you and maybe the negativity too that can be overlooked. Only you can determine the friendship tiers you want to have in your life. However, quality should be at the top of your list.
“Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.” -Unknown
My Best Friend Kim
In memory of my best friend Kim, she never sugar coated anything for me. She was honest, trustworthy, funny, beautiful, supported me through the toughest times of my life, and was there for me when my son was born. She held all my secrets and I held hers. We were best friends for over 23 years. She was there for me, no matter what.
When she needed me, I was there for her. In December 2013, she was diagnosed with AML, a blood cancer usually diagnosed in older adults. She was diagnosed at 49, it was a death sentence for her. While in the hospital I was with her every day, excluding 1 week, the hospital would not let me see her. I read to her, sang for her, cried with her, laughed with her, and when she died on February 2, 2014, a piece of me died too. She was the best friend I knew I would never have again in my lifetime.
If you have been as blessed as I have been, there is value. The investment in your friendship trust fund grew substantially. For I am still earning a substantial residual from the dividends of my own friendship with Kim.
Your Friendship Trust Fund
Choose your friends carefully and learn to be a good friend to others yourself. Investing in people can be rewarding and it can be heartbreaking. Take a risk, but always know the value of your bonds. Constantly grow and learn from each other.
Be excited to grow old with a circle of friends who know all your secrets and who has been by your side through most facets of your life. For most of us, this will be two or three people or maybe just one. Either way, know that your life is better for having that one friend or just a few.
We’ll chat soon,
