Mom’s Way
I always said, “work is what we do, it’s not who we are.” and I truly believe this. Now my mother, all she knew was work and being a loving caregiver to her family and she was EXCELLENT at both jobs! Thank you, mom.
She was loyal, and her work ethic was impeccable and irrefutable. I was proud of my mother, she was always there for me and for others, and most of our conversations surrounded the topics of career, food, money, and clothes. And her signature quote when leaving, “is there anything here you want to take with you”? She was great at making you feel comfortable. She always wanted you to take a piece of her with you.
Her hugs would not only warm your heart but would heat up your soul. I wanted to mirror my mothers work life, so I worked hard in my jobs, just as she did.
But after the death of my uncle while in my mid- twenties, I began to question my career. I had a great job at the time, but my daily duties were becoming repetitive and for a personality like mine, repetition turns into boredom, then boredom turns into depression and anxiety and well, that’s exactly what happened. This would go on for many years.
My Dreams and Mom’s Support
Even as a little girl, all I ever wanted to do was to follow my own flow (I’m fiercely independent) wherever it led! Whether it be a fairy, a singer, a writer, a teacher, a lawyer…my imagination and determination allowed me to DREAM!
I dreamed of many things and knew I didn’t want to spend my days doing the mundane. I wanted to be inspiring, change lives, and be a source of encouragement to others, just like my mother.
Being a helpful resource and encouraging those around me, is something I do well, I watched my mother, it’s what she did. I suppose you could call me a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I can feel the auras of others and can read a room with much precision and perception.
My mother was supportive of me in ALL things practical, but not so much when it came to anything creative, she would brush it off as playfulness. She enjoyed my ballet recitals, piano recitals, school chorale concerts, and church solos. But to have a career doing those things, were out of my reach. A regular 8am-5pm job is what my mother knew, and what she wanted for me, it was a safe option.
My Way
My mother’s wisdom, I leaned on a lot in my life. Our “career chats”, as I would call them, we had often. But I had many interests, and I was a busy little bee! It was hard for me to stay in one place!
Each new job I started, I told myself “I’m only doing this till my REAL job comes along.” I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but most jobs were not fulfilling or even satisfying, but so grateful for all the knowledge. I couldn’t count one manager; I would say was a mentor to me in my career. But to be fair, it wasn’t entirely their fault. I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing.
“Will I ever be who I was truly meant to be,” is a question I asked myself all the time, this became mentally exhausting, coupled with defeating self-doubt which followed me throughout my life.
I have many creative talents; but they were stuck between pleasing others and a lack of focus. But this would soon be tested.
God’s Plan
My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer on February26, 2019. Seeing her scans while still in the emergency room, she said “well I smoked?” This statement pierced my heart, and my entire body went numb. I believe mom’s response was her way of accepting her diagnosis.
After my mom spoke with the doctor, I asked the emergency room hospitalist if I could speak with her outside, she nodded, and said “yes.” We walked a little passed mom’s room, so my mother could not hear our conversation. I turned around and faced the doctor and fell into her arms. I said, “my mother is going to die!” She held me tight, and said, “I am so sorry.” This was my response to her diagnosis.
Thanking the doctor for her time, I wiped my tears, and wiped my face, then headed back to mom’s room. I sat on the edge of her bed with her, rubbed her face, touched her hair, all the while staring through her, wanting to soak up all the images I could, all the while, just wanting my mom to hold me and make things better.
Mom fought death off as long as she could, but in the end, death held out its hand, and mom took hold. My mother passed on the morning of March 18, 2019, just 20 days after getting her diagnosis. And on this day, the light in my soul went completely dark.
Sitting in Grief
For the next 4 years I sat in grief. My mother was cremated, a first in our family, and a little much for me to get used to. I would imagine the cremation processes every day and be mad as hell at my mother for being in a jar and not with me!
Trying to give my best at work, days were long and draining. And at night, I would sit on the couch and look at the beautiful tobacco jar my mother was in, sitting on my fireplace mantle, all the while, wondering what’s she doing…
It sounds a little odd, I know, putting my mother’s cremains in a tobacco jar, however, the tobacco jar was a birthday gift from my mother many years ago, given in honor of a wonderful day of shopping. We had many of those moments over the years. I felt it was the most appropriate container to rest her ashes.
Shortly after mom’s passing, I began to panic about my own life and ask the question, was I going to be able to accomplish all I wanted? Accomplish anything? How much time do I have left? I was petrified! I had difficulty sleeping and working, I was a total “hot mess”. I had enrolled in college again to further my education with a master’s degree in public health (of all majors) and was also downsized in my job in June of that year, which I just didn’t care about, but was thankful for the opportunity.
A Career Pause?
Being unemployed would have been upsetting to my mother, but I had to learn to function in life without her, and for me, my mother was my “go to” and I had NO “go to.”
During this time, I found it very difficult to make decisions, I relived my past and childhood every day, it was a safe place for my mind to rest. I didn’t want to let her go, I thought if I did, it would be disrespectful, and even though my mother was no longer with me, I still wanted her proud of me.
Not working gave me time to breathe, I was able to focus on class assignments and dedicated time to local county boards, which I was a member. Also at this time, I was accepted into an administrators-in-training program (AIT) for assisted living communities. I was trying to fit everything in, just in case I died sooner rather than later!
After finishing the AIT program, it was time to return back to work, so I began interviewing again.
I got a Job!
I got hired! I was excited, until I realized after a company name change, I was going back to a company I had worked before; this news was disappointing, but I was grateful to be employed again.
Being completely honest here, I didn’t enjoy the job, Again, being completely honest, I was still grieving the death of my mom, all the while knowing I should have been more grateful.
After almost 3 years of literally working 24/7, I decided to leave my role in April of 2023. The decision to quit my job, started the day I was hired, but clarity became more defined when my son said to me one day, ” mom you’re good at the job, but I don’t think the job is good for you.” I knew I wasn’t truly doing what my soul desire in life was meant to be doing and I had to stop the cycle.
Would my mother be disappointed I quit another job? Of course, she would. I felt I was disappointing her even in death.
Every single day I woke up feeling the same loss, just as I did the day after my mother died, it was like Groundhog Day in grief…every day. It really didn’t matter what I had planned or tried to get excited about, I woke up with the same sickening pit of anguish in my stomach every day.
Mom Visits Me in a Dream
Mom has visited me many times in dreams, but on one visit in January 2023, she appeared very sad. Mom’s face was drawn and very thin. A shell of a skeleton in a yellow button-down shirt (actually she was wearing my stepfather’s mowing shirt). She was standing in the hall not saying one word but was looking at me so sad with her mouth wide open wanting to speak but couldn’t.
Sobbing uncontrollably in my sleep, when I finally woke up and opened my eyes, I sat up in bed. All the emotions I had pent up over her death released themselves. I was crying so hard I had to get out of bed to catch my breath. I said out loud, “mom why are you so sad, are you sad I quit my job, mom what is wrong?”
This visit was a CALL TO ACTION FROM MOM!
I had not been in touch with my aunts in almost 4 years, and this would have been upsetting to my mother, as she knew I would have needed support. The lack of communication with family, was due to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Mom being sad in the dream was unbearable to me, I just couldn’t, have another dream with her in it, and she be sad! Mom had always said jokingly, “just burn me up, throw my ashes in a bag and bury me beside Dick.” (her husband).
I never liked the joke, but it was her way of expressing her final wishes. And like I mentioned, mom was cremated, and her ashes were with me. I should have been more at peace with this, but I was miserable.
A Call to my Aunt Linda
Calling my Aunt Linda was the only thing I knew to do, hearing her voice gave me comfort. I wished her a happy birthday. She replied, “well thank you, it was yesterday”, we laughed.
After a short pause, I broke down crying. My aunt said, “not only are you grieving your mother, but you are also grieving your family too”. I told her I was planning on burying mom and thought it was the right thing to do. My aunt was happy with this decision and was happy to help me in any way she could.
Planning Mom’s Second Funeral
My aunt and I decided on March 7, at 11am. I bought Mom a purple marble urn with the engraving, “you will always be my sunshine.”
My List
- My aunt contacted the county on information about burial and grass removal. Price $250 I paid with a smile on my face.
- I contacted the local funeral home to ask pricing on transferring ashes. Graciously, they charged me nothing and transferred her ashes into her new urn.
- I went to the local flower shop and ordered a beautiful spring spray to cover the grass. Price $150, I paid with a smile on my face.
- I bought a bouquet of flowers for her burial marker vase. Price $45, I paid with a smile on my face.
- I wrote a poem, just for her. I gathered bible scriptures of all the things my mother taught me in life.
Mom’s Second Funeral
March 7 was here, a sunny and beautiful day it was. Mom’s first service at the church 4 years ago was nice but, I didn’t feel complete nor satisfied. This was my way of giving her what she really deserved.
With family members present…again, in support of us both, I opened the service with a huge thank you too all. I read bible verses about all the things my mother had taught me. I sang for her, and recited an original poem written especially for her, from me.
My Mom Looking at me through your piercing blues, you changed my life, just by being you. I miss you moma all day and all night. I miss our talks, and your laughter. I wonder often, will there be a replacement after. You left me many memories filled with smiles, and sprinkles of your soul. All these left to comfort me in my deepest woes. Your hugs I miss and the warmth they gave, and your hands of care were left as a reminder for all of us to share and to be brave. There are days I am doing fine, other days not so much. But I know you would be proud and love me, no matter what. Moma, you were mine for just a little while. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your time, your love and your long- lasting loving smiles. A spirit like no other, my moma, my friend, yes... we'll see each other and talk again. I love you moma. (no typo, it's how I spelled "Moma")
When the time came, I carefully lowered my mom’s ashes into the ground. I had to be the one to do this, it was final, and no one could read my heart.
My last request was for everyone to come visit her, she would be here… and she would listen, just like she always has.
No reservations…no regrets. I finally was at peace, and felt mom was too. Now, my life truly begins without her.
Living a Different Perspective
My life looks much different now! I’m happy, I’m excited, and most of all I know my mother is safe. I have grown personally, spiritually, and my curiosity for life has returned! I visit mom every month and talk with her about life and chat about work. My time spent in grief was my waiting well and I am grateful.
My Realization
In the dream, my mother wasn’t the one who was sad, I was the one sad. In the dream, through her, a mirrored image of myself, and she did this without saying one word. Profound and powerful, and I will be forever grateful. I still grieve, and miss her, but I believe she knows I’m heading towards bigger and better things! I am free, to be me, and I know she would be so happy!
The dream led me to remind myself of who I really am and who I have always been…resilient, fiercely independent, valuable, intelligent, goofy, loving, PC (passionate and compassionate), a curious learner with a magical childlike attitude, believing that all your dreams can come true.
Now, I make my own fairy dust and sprinkle it everywhere. I enjoy connections and deep conversations about how things work in life, and why they don’t. I do my best to try and figure out the complexity of life every day.
Seeing people happy, makes me happy! What I know is this… what we can’t do for ourselves, we can do for others.
In memory of my mom, I’ve started this blog “Career Chat with Ellen” It seems quite fitting actually. She would be happy I’m still talking about work (and working, my true purpose!)
If I could share some wisdom with you, align yourself with your heart’s desires and keep yourself forever curious about life! Be excited about what’s waiting for you… just around the corner!
I truly believe in my heart, my mother had to pass on, so I could continue to grow.
I love you mom; you are still the light in my shine!
Let’s chat soon!
